Category Archives: Funny

LOL 2015 REVOLUTION

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MC900441766-1As 2014 came to a close, and New Year Resolutions were in the forefront of my thoughts, I decided to take a look at what things made me unhappy in 2014 and modify as many of those things as I could. Of course, that would require me to quit my job, hire a maid, hire a chef, and buy a beach house in Key West. A bit unrealistic. Then I decided to take a stab at something else we all do every single day, several times a day, and probably have for years. I would even go as far to bet that you probably have had the same unhappiness as I have with this thing we all do- that is if you own a cell phone or send emails!

 
The use of LOL, HAHA, BAHAHA, even SMH, or IMO/IMHO and whatever else you may use to show amusement or to express an emotion in a text message. I have felt my LOLs have been empty lately. Like I was faking my Laugh Out Loud- LOL acronym. Once I identified my dissatisfaction in my level of Emotion, I formed a plan to change things in 2015. Prepare to be Emotional or Not so Emotional—it’s up to you!

I even contemplated leaving them out of my text messages. The only problems with that concept, I am NOT a robot and I still want to show emotion!  I am willing to go out on a limb and assume you aren’t a robot either…maybe…eh,hem, anyway, moving on…

I propose that at the end of our LOLs, Haha, Hehehe, SMH, or IMO we use a rate system. Let us all unite and start assigning A LEVEL OF AMUSEMENT or LEVEL OF EMOTION #number after our chosen acronym, perhaps a 0-10 rating system.  The amusement park Six Flags utilizes a rate system– 6 Flags of fun.  Even when you call and take a survey on the back of a Taco Bell receipt you are asked to rate your level of satisfaction.

—I am imploring you as the Texting Public—you teenagers, parents, friends, coworkers, spouses, even you grandparents– We The Texting People Can Bring the LOLs of the past in to 2015 with A BANG! A SWIPE!  DARE I SAY A VOICE COMMAND! Let’s rate our emotions!!YAY10

Take the Acronym that you are going to use.  I am sure there are ones out there that I have not mentioned and some I choose not to use in this article.  It will work with all of them.
Rate Example LOL 0-10 0 being a low grade of emotion and 10 being a high grade.

Example:
Dude’s text: I’m running late. I can’t find my shoes!
Bubba’s text: Plz wear shoes! Ur feet stink Dude!lol1

OR

Mom’s text: I forgot to give you lunch money! Sorry!
Son’s text: Don’t worry, I will find food in the dumpster behind the cafeteria.haha0
Mom’s Text: SMH8  (Shaking My Head*Level 8*)

To make sure the word gets out about the EMOTION RATE Please copy and paste the address bar into your Facebook status! #OLDSCHOOL Oops! I forgot to address stupid hashtags!

#LOLRATE

How many shares can the LOL 2015 REVOLUTION get???? #LOL2015REVOLUTION

DON’T FORGET TO FOLLOW MY BLOG!!! Just Click the Follow button if you can find it HAHA7

#LOL2015REVOLUTION

Definitions Of All Acronyms Used In This Article
LOL:Laugh Out Loud
HAHA: HAHA
SHM: Shaking My Head
IMO: In My Opinion
IMHO: In My Humble Opinion
Bahahaha: I Just Snorted Laughed Out Loud
HEHEHE: Snickering

My Ludicrous Life Decision Policing System

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I’m thinking about starting a business.  A business that will help millions of families…  Yes, a policing system for stupid, ludicrous life decisions made by family members and friends that turn your life upside down.  Having made some nonsensical judgments in my past, I think I am a perfect candidate for evaluating stupid choices made by misguided people.  Some examples that my Ludicrous Life Decision Policing System could help with:

-An Uncle that is a father of five, thinking about quitting his job and moving his family to Alaska, and pursuing a love of igloo architecture.  I would intervene and find a resolution, like smacking some sense into him.  No peaceful resolution here- just tough love.

-A teenage daughter that wants to quit school, get a tattoo of a clown on her neck, and move in with her rodeo clown boyfriend.  I would intervene by taking her to a local trailer park and making her live with a family of ten in a four room trailer for a week (if it even takes that long).

-Your newly widowed father who wants to marry someone thirty years his junior, buy a yacht, and spend his remaining years looking for a mermaid colony in Australia.  Well, seriously aren’t you just a little curious about mermaids? 

I think this would be a booming business!  I could tell people to stop being stupid and screwing with your sanity. I see a bright and busy future here; there is one of these people in every family…

The post above was *tactfully*  actually posted January 10, 2014 and I decided to revive it this January.  No family members were hurt in the development of this business idea.

First Date Night

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Yellow love

This past Friday night my husband and I realized we were going to be alone with no children, no place to be and we could actually spend some quality time together— alone. The first time with no schedule since AUGUST! What did this mean? Date night!! The fact that we wound up in Home Depot looking at wood flooring is irrelevant.

We started the night out at a nice restaurant. Now let me start by saying, my husband and I have been married for almost twenty years. We can spot another couple on a first date from blocks away. If you have been married for a long time, you know what I am talking about! The ‘First Date Couple’ actually make solid eye-contact, there are drinks and appetizers on the table like money is no object, the guy is hanging on every drab word about her day at work, and the girl is laughing at every single thing that comes out of the guys mouth.

This is cute to watch, at least to me.

I know my husband and I haven’t had a solid night by ourselves since August but this couple at the next table grabbed our attention. Something inside of me wanted to cheer for this new love that was blossoming.

It quickly went bad very fast.

After what I assume was one too many drinks they were having, I overheard her say something about being glad to be back in the area. From what I gathered (yes, I was listening!) she just moved back to the area and was glad to be out on a date and was happy their friends fixed them up on this date. She really needed a break from the move. IT WENT SOUTH FROM THERE!

I couldn’t see the facial reactions of First Date Guy to what was about to happen but she was like a train wreck that wouldn’t stop. I heard a story about her belief in UFO’s and her sightings of them. Not to get down on UFO people but a first date is not the place to bring this up! This went on for sometime. From there she kept talking about her bad relationship with her father, a crazy uncle, and at one point yeast infections. I KID YOU NOT! It was painful to listen to and it wasn’t like she was talking quietly either! She was very loud. I knew we had to be on Candid Camera because this was unbelievable. I wanted to get up and say, “STOP WOMAN! JUST STOP! ARE YOU NERVOUS! THEY HAVE TO HAVE MEDICATION FOR THIS!”

When it was time to leave, we paid the bill and headed to the front. My husband walked to the bathroom as I sat on a bench doing more ‘people-watching’ and trying to mentally digest what I just heard moments before when I saw First Date Guy walk into the bathroom where my husband was. I was quietly wishing that my husband would strike up a conversation with the First Date Guy in the bathroom and find out WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS GOING ON. Apparently, men don’t talk in the bathroom. I learned that Friday night!

I asked my husband when we walked outside, “Did you talk to First Date Guy in the bathroom? Or was he trying to climb out the window?”

His reply, “No. What were you wanting me to ask? ‘Were those facial piercings you have more painful than your date?'”

Isn’t it awesome to know that God makes us each unique! Maybe First Date Guy fell in love that night? My optimism for happy endings isn’t dead. Just because it was painful for me to witness, doesn’t mean it was painful for them. Maybe… Who am I to make this judgment? She was just being herself I guess.

So, yeah, that was our date night… it was pretty good…

My Zombie Survival Saturday

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If there were ever a Zombie Apocalypse I would do great at retrieving things inside Walmart, like a reconnaissance mission. The thought actually came to me today when I had to run in and only had five minutes to retrieve four items and each were on opposite sides of the supercenter (which admit it, we all hate doing). I completed the mission and checked out in record time.
This is when it hit me: I truly believe I know where everything inside the store is located. If I had to (in dire Zombie circumstances of course) retrieve a first aid kit, fishing tackle, ammunition, Zombie-be-gone-spray (patent pending), a can of beans, gas-x (no need in giving my location away because of ‘digestive issues’), and gluten free pretzels I could do it in record time. I’m like a Walmart savant- much to my husband’s chagrin! It is like my mom-super-power.

You also need to know I am not a fan of the Walking Dead, however, I blame them for my survival thoughts! I hate shows that scare me!

These are my Not-So-Sane Saturday thoughts!

Parents, you did not give birth to Bank Robbers… I don’t think…

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July 2012 Chicago 206

I wrote the following post in October of 2006 when my children were much younger. If I were able to tell my ‘younger mom self’ anything it would be to Chill Out. The bedtimes become easier, stop the stressing, if they aren’t in bed by 9 pm they will not grow up to become bank robbers because you couldn’t keep a solid bedtime schedule. They will not fall in with the wrong crowd if you can’t wrangle them in bed on time. My boys are teenagers now and all my worries are for not. So– to every mom and dad out there that feels overwhelmed by the bedtime ritual- I have felt your pain— but alas– chill out. The above photo was taken of our boys last summer in Chicago ~~~~comedians- yes, bank robbers- no~~~~

Bedtime…. 10/17/06
Why is putting children to bed so trying on parents? I remember when I only had one child and bedtime was relatively peaceful. With another child added the more hectic bedtime rituals have become. They make a spitting game out of brushing their teeth and I have lost count of all the ‘illnesses’ my oldest son comes down with once he is in bed. He could run a marathon, play board games, ride his bike till the cows come home but once he settles down and is all covered up that is when he decides he has something in his eye, a sore throat, or remembers he hasn’t had a bowel movement in two days and he thinks something is wrong. Then in the morning when I ask how he feels it is always a blank, “Fine, why?” *sigh*
I have read countless books and articles on this subject, listened to wise older relatives but I am still finding bedtime stressful. The experts say calm down your bedtime ritual by turning off the TV an hour before bedtime. Have them drink a glass of warm milk. Don’t give them anything to eat or drink before bed, which negates giving them warm milk before bedtime.?. Give them a soothing bath. Read a book. Say prayers. Turn on their night light. Check their closet for monsters. Make sure they use the restroom. See that they have their favorite blanket. Convince your children that no one cut the moon in half it is supposed to look that way. Come On People… In the perfect world you may be able to do all these every night, but we do not live in a perfect world.
My question I guess is: when are children expected to go to bed with minimal interference? I know they are only little once and I respect that argument but between cooking, putting up leftovers, dishes, cleaning, sweeping, laundry, checking homework, bills, husbands, dogs, making lunches for the next day and so on. Is it too much to ask for a few nights a week that end in a solitary, “Mom and Dad, I am going to bed now. Goodnight and I love you.” Does this make me a bad Mom? I will admit that I have said to my children on more than one occasion ‘Just go to bed. Not one more word’. They are old enough to brush their teeth by themselves, put their pajamas on and make their bed all by themselves they then should be expected to go to bed at least a few times a week without me pulling my hair out?
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Then again I don’t want to complain too much because I know in a few years when they’re teenagers my focus will be ”why aren’t they home in bed yet?” I have talked to countless other families and I know I am not alone in these reactions nor is this the first generation to confront the strife of the terrible catastrophe of bedtime. My grandmother had 7 kids and she still has all of her hair! Now not every night follows this pattern but more times than not this is how it plays out. Please, don’t get the wrong impression I love being a mom, it has many rewards and I truly believe they are a gift from God and I wouldn’t trade motherhood for all the money in the world. But when 9 pm comes and goes and I am trying to convince my oldest son I don’t see anything in his eye, or convincing him his filling in his tooth has not fallen out, or sooth any fears from my youngest he is not hearing noises under his bed while trying to keep him in it, I may get a little testy. I am sure my frustrations are justified. I fear the only solution is age. The older they get the calmer bedtime becomes; at least this is what I am holding on to.

And yes it does get easier- I PROMISE!!!